Expectations

I'm a dreamer.  I don't know that I've ever really admitted that, because pretending to be a realist is much easier.  When you're a realist, there aren't any shattered dreams, because there weren't any dreams to begin with.  But that's where the problem lies.  How do you go through life without dreaming?

I have so many dreams, wants, and expectations for myself and my life.  I want so much out of this life.  But I'm afraid that I might want too much.  I want to live in a loft in Seattle or Portland.  I want to accidentally bump into someone at the market and become great friends with them.  I want to sit in coffee shops with my husband and talk about Jack Kerouac and C.S. Lewis.  I want to have beautiful children that are creative and talented.  I want to own my own business.  I want to write novels.  I want to travel the world.  I want to get tattoos.  I want to bike across America.  I want to love the unlovable.  I want to feed the hungry.  I want to learn new languages.  I want backpack across Europe.  I want so many things.  And the quote that I continually come back to is by Mary Oliver:

  "Tell me, what is it you plan to do
  with your one wild and precious life?"

I want to live this life to the fullest.  But, are my dreams to only be seen when I close my eyes?  Are my expectations only to be attained through photographs seen in books? What if everything that I want is completely unattainable and I go through life dissatisfied?

I know that I don't need to make a choice right now, but it seems as though making a choice is equivalent with moving forward.  And why should I waste these valuable days?  So here is the big question: Do I continue on living as though my dreams are unreachable?  Do I settle for less?  Do I settle for what seems appropriate and realistic?  Or do I dream with my eyes open?  Do I chase my dreams as though they are all I have?  I want to run and dance and dream, and I want my dreams to be a reality.

be beautiful.

Something to Make You Think.

"The illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship." 

Connected, but alone? 

Mumford.

Summer Night.

Longing for summer. 

Instead of putting myself out there and flirting and getting to know a guy, I run away.

This is a post from The Good Women Project.  It is an incredible website, and if you've never checkeed it out, you really need to.  But anyway, I am posting this, because it seems to describe my life exactly.  Enjoy! 




"So there’s this boy…even writing those words gets me excited. Can you feel it too? The excitement you feel when you hear someone tell their love story, the story of how they found someone to love and be loved in return. So there’s this boy. And I like him. But before I go any further, I feel like I need to explain some things.


I have never met my real father and my stepfather is anything but fatherly. Safe to say, I’ve got some residual “daddy issues”. I’m familiar with defense mechanisms, finding ways to compartmentalize and ignore the heavy baggage I carry, from myself and others. When it comes to my heart, I keep it on lockdown, safely tucked away in a box somewhere so that I can control who and how much a person can access it. It’s a continuous battle to keep the doorways to accountability open in my relationships, willing myself to be brutally honest about the current state of my heart. In the last year or so, I’ve welcomed the fight more and more, finding immeasurable amounts of encouragement and support from the people the Lord has placed in my life.


But boys? Boys are another creature entirely. You see, I have never dated. Never had a boy call me up and ask me to that much desired dinner and movie. Never had a boy tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. Never had a boy hold my hand on the way home and kiss me goodnight. So I don’t have the scars some girls carry from a really horrible breakup or relationship gone wrong. I have scars of an entirely different kind.


This is how my story usually plays out: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl isn’t sure how boy feels. Girl wonders and hopes and thinks and then wonders a little more all while experiencing a range of emotions from giddiness to insecurity to jealousy to desire, all jumbling together until one bleeds into the next and she doesn’t know what she feels. Girl eventually realizes she’s not enough to catch his attention and gives up. And repeat.


But today I realized the lie in that story. 


Why the hell not? Why aren’t I enough?


I have let myself believe that I’m not worth his love, not worth his respect. And not only have I let myself believe that lie, I’ve come to expect it. Instead of putting myself out there and flirting and getting to know a guy, I run away. I run away because then I remain in control of the situation. I control whether or not I get hurt.


I fill my head with lies that eat away at my self-esteem, my confidence, the very things that make me me. Have you ever told yourself that you’re not pretty enough? That you’re not funny enough? Have you ever told yourself that he would never choose you when he could have so many others?


Because if you have, you need to stop. Stop right now.


You are pretty enough, funny enough, special enough. You are enough.


Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”


The Lord, our Most High God, says you are are fearfully and wonderfully made. All of you. Every inch.


Who am I to say what He has made isn’t good enough?


I’ve burrowed myself deeper and deeper into a pit of doubt and insecurity, refusing to see me how God sees me. Refusing to see that I am worthy. And I am loved. I am respected and desired in every way I could possibly want or imagine by our glorious and perfect God. And that is so much more than what any guy can give me.


So I’m done with the comparisons and the expectations and the lies. I’m done with the running away. I don’t know what will happen with this boy, whether it’ll turn into something or just be one of those crushes, but I don’t really think that’s the point.


The point is that I’m enough.


You’re enough.


We’re enough."

Sweet Deviled Eggs.

Alright, so many of you know how to make deviled eggs already.  But do you know how to make sweet deviled eggs?  I have grown up having these at every holiday and it wasn't until I was in college and going to other people's homes for holidays that I realized not everybody's deviled eggs are sweet(I found out after putting a ton on my plate and then not liking them at all, but feeling like I had to eat what I took).  So I decided to show y'all how to make deviled eggs in, what I consider, the right way.  Now just a disclaimer, these are not good for you at all, but they taste sooooo good!  Also, when I asked my momma for the recipe, she told me it was in her head and there actually was never a recipe written down.  I asked her to show me how to make them, and it was all through estimation.  So, I did my best to estimate the amounts she was estimating.  :)

Recipe
1 Dozen Eggs (hardboiled)
1 Cup of Miracle Whip (do NOT use mayonnaise...it will ruin everything!)
1/4 Cup of sugar
1 Teaspoon of Vinegar

Okay, so obviously, you are going to hard-boil the eggs.  If you do not know how to do that, do nott fret, I did not know either until about a year ago.  Just google it...that is the beauty of the internet.  After you have boiled the eggs, peel them.  Do this carefully so as not to tear the egg white.

Next, cut them in half vertically. 

After that, take all of the yokes out and mash them in a bowl.  You want them as mashed as you can get them.  They are going to be a gravel like consistency.  

Next, mix in a separate bowl, the Miracle Whip, sugar, and vinegar.  You want this to be creamy, but not runny.  It also will be gritty.  If it isn't gritty, then you need to add more sugar.  If it seems too thick, you can add a bit more vinegar.  

Next, you are going to mix in the egg yokes.  You want it to be a creamy mixture.  If it is still a little bit chunky, because of the yoke, that is okay.  

Next, you are going to transfer the yoke mixture into a pastry bag(used for frosting cakes).  If you do not have any of these, you can use a spoon, it just won't look as fancy.  Make sure if you do use a pastry bag, that you use a fairly large tip, so that it doesn't get stuck in the bag.  Once you've transfered it, you just squeeze it into the empty egg halves.  After you're done, you can sprinkle paprika onto them if you want.  This doesn't change the taste, it just adds a little more decoration.  And viola! 

Counting Down

Only 2 days, 3 hours, and 35 minutes until The Hunger Games!