The Mountain

This burden is pushing me into the ground. I am wasting away beneath the weight of it. The race that I’ve been running has now become a walk, or maybe more of a crawl. The dirt and rocks grind into my face as a scrape my body along the ground, trying to reach my destination, but too tired to stand. “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” The voice seems so faint, as though it was just something I heard in my past, thousands of years ago. I’m exhausted, but I continue on. The level ground become a steep mountain. The sunny sky, clouding over, thundering. The threat of what is too come. The battle ahead of me. “I will fight your battles. I will victor over your enemy.” The still soft voice, only a whisper, hardly even making a sound compared to the screaming all around me. The rain pouring now, the wind pushing me left and right. The lightening crashing down, hitting trees all around me. Tired, I trudge on, I will not stop, for I know there is reward and rest at the top. But this pack, oh the weight if this burden I am carrying. It is making this journey so much more difficult. “Come to Me, and I will rid you of your burden.” The encouraging voice is still so soft, but it comes more often now. “Come to Me.” It promises rest, and a light pack. But how? How am I supposed to lay down my burdens. Every time I lay down this heavy pack I am carrying, my journey seems easier, and I am able to run, not crawl. But I still end up in the same place. Running, then walking, then crawling, then on my face, with the voices around my laughing and mocking. Will I ever reach the top? Will there ever be a time when the storm calms around me, when my enemies stop attacking, when the load is light for good, when I experience rest? How much longer must I wait? How much longer until I reach the top? I just want to see the view. “Come to Me.” I’m trying, I’m trying ever so much, but the voices around me are screaming that I will never make it, that I will fail like I have so many other times. Their screams are so loud that my head is pounding. The continue on saying I am nothing, I am worthless, I am a failure, that this mountain is just an illusion and I will make it to the top and find nothing. They are so convincing. They scream at me over and over again, and I try so hard to find the soft whisper through them, but it seems as if it’s gone. They keep telling me to just give into them and to climb back down the mountain, to turn around and face reality, so I do. I give in, I give up, I fail, yet again. But reality is no better, in fact, it seems worse. Not only are these voices in my head yelling at me, but everything I say and do is only confirming what they are telling me. My enemies have won the battle. And now they are storming the castle. They have found me and they are stabbing me over and over and over again. Until there is lo more un-stabbed flesh. I have lost. I have failed. And it is here, where I lay, with blood all around me, and my life quickly fading that I find healing. It is here, that I once again hear the voice, this time loud a clear, “Come to Me, my beloved, my daughter, my child, my bride. Come to me and find what it really means to live.” I try to stand, but my body fails me. Suddenly, A hand is placed on my back and large and warm guiding hand. It helps me to my feet and pushes me on my way. On my way back up the mountain. This time it is harder than before. I am weaker. But I know that the life, rest, and freedom promised at the end will be even more worth it than before. So I trudge up the mountain. The rain and the storms and the heavy pack come, but I continue. The voices screaming at me once again. But this time the whisper is right beside me, right in my ear. And there is a hand on my back pushing me along up the mountain. And I know that I am not disillusioned, I know that I will make it to the top. No matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes, and not matter how many times I backslide. I will make it. And the reward will be great.

Peaceful Happiness

I am so unsatisfied.  I don’t know what it is, but I feel restless.  There is a yearning in my heart for something more, for something real.  I am disgusted by the life I live.  A life surrounded by riches.  A life where I have everything I need and more.  A life where I drive by starving people in a car that cost more money than they’ll ever see.  I face this reality every waking moment.  From the house I live in to the car I drive to the clothes I wear even to the food I eat, it’s all too expensive.  And yet, I’m stuck in the mindset that I deserve this, that this is what I’m supposed to have.  And so I buy more, and I boast about what I have, and I pretend that it’s all good, and that all of this is what makes me happy.  When in all reality, my life is ripping open at the seams.  It’s coming undone stitch by stitch.  The looks in the faces of those around me, hidden beneath what t me seem like fake smiles, show pain and fear.  That with one wrong turn, everything will come crashing down.  This empire built on ashes, isn’t made to stand much longer.  The foundation is shifting ever so slightly each day.  Soon, it will crumble.  Maybe then, when I have nothing, nothing at all, maybe then I will be satisfied.  I seek peaceful happiness, not a longing for more.  I pray that this thirst for a life with purpose, will one day be quenched.  I pray that that day comes soon, because I don’t know how much longer I can take of lips stretched thin, of eyes looking away, of hearts ignoring the pain.  I don’t know how many more nights I can last, through tears falling silently, unnoticed.  I want to scream, but I can’t find the courage to face the aftermath.  For I know, once the earthquake shakes the world around as, there will still be the small quakes that follow.  The worst will be over, but the fear that it might happen again, will burn in our minds and in our very beings, ruining us forever.  And that is not peace.  But what then?  If I cannot scream, or even say how I feel, but if I must sit here quietly, and pretend that everything is okay, then how will I ever be satisfied?  When will I truly have the courage to get up and walk away?  When will I do what I want to do, be who I want to be, and go where I want to go?  I have to stop relying on the very things that surround me, that suck the life out of me.  I must become reliant on the One, and Him only.  But how?  How do I give up everything around me, the possessions that I cling to ever so dearly?  And will that make me truly satisfied?  Or will I end up with nothing, sitting on the street next to the man who hans’t showered in weeks and his last meal came out of a dumpster.  Maybe that’s where I need to be though.  Perhaps,  the very longing inside of me, is a longing to become nothing.  To be unknown, to do unknown things, to live an unknown life.  If I sit next to the hungry father, or the motherless child, or homeless son, then I might be satisfied.  If I too am hungry, and motherless, and homeless, then maybe I will be content, maybe those people, the ones we feel so sorry for, are the ones that actually know what peaceful happiness really is.  What if, when we drive by them in our cars feeling sorry for them, they feel sorry for us?  Because even though it looks like they have nothing, they really have everything.  Maybe, just maybe, they are satisfied.  And so, if I too become like them, then perhaps I will know true joy.  The joy and satisfaction of being the lowest.  There is great beauty in walking the same path that my Jesus walked.  And if I could no longer just talk about it, or read about, or imagine what it’s like, but if I actually walk it, the road littered with trash, then maybe I will be satisfied.  If I learn the stories and the pain of those who are living on the side of this dirty path, if I take the time to love them, if I become one of them, then perhaps I will no longer be unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and longing for more, but maybe I will have everything, and I will know what peaceful happiness truly is.  

dirty gold.

So this is a little project that my momma has been working on for the past two weeks or so, and we were able to finish it today!  My momma bought the door on craigslist and it was covered in dirt and dust, but with just a little cleaning, it turned out to be a beautiful door.  She then mounted it with wood planks and bolted it in to a bed frame.  And viola!  A gorgeous new headboard that I will be appreciating for a very long time!

A Lack of Faith

Well here I am.  I can hardly believe that it has almost been a year since I was told that I had a tumor on my kidney.  My thoughts right now are all over the place.  I have a desire to write, but I have no idea how to organize my thoughts, so sorry if this is a confusing post.

This Tuesday, I go back to the oncologist for a check-up to see if I'm doing ok.  I am so scared.  This appointment has been consuming my thoughts.  I have been thinking of nothing else for the past couple of days.  I am worrying myself sick, literally.  And I sit here thinking that I am such a fool.  Last year, when the doctor told me I had cancer, I was composed and ready to take it head on.  I wasn't worried or scared, I was confident that my Jesus, the Great Healer would heal me.  I was sure of His will, His plan.  But now a year later, you think I would have learned that God is all He says He is.  However, I have no trust right now, I'm lacking faith.  I have always blamed my dad for my trust problems, but I've been playing the blame game for far too long.  It's really time for me to take responsibility and admit that I don't have enough faith, that I am still holding out on God, that I do not fully trust Him.  I'm scare that a God who said He would be there always, from the beginning to the end, will leave me.  That's asinine, really.  I'm afraid that a God who has been there for everyone, no matter how many times they turned their back on Him, will eventually turn His back on me.  I have back-peddled from where I was a year ago.  How could I let this happen?  Maybe thats a rhetorical question.  Honestly, I have been focusing on myself, not on who really matters, not on my Jesus.  I don't know when I will fully trust God.  I hope and pray that it's soon.  I long for the day when I will be able to truthfully cry out to Him telling Him that I am all His, completely enveloped in Him and His plan.  However, I'm still hanging on, still trying to hold on for some control.  Maybe at my appointment on Tuesday I won't hear the words that I am okay, and maybe that will be the beginning of a lesson on how I'm not in control at all, but how my life is only a glimpse of a big picture, just an scene in a movie, just a stroke on the canvas.  Or, maybe I will learn it a different way.  One thing I know for sure, is that I am a piece of work that God will continue with until the day of completion.

Hey y'all! Recently my camera broke and so I'm looking to upgrade to a nice one, so that I can continue to do what I love. However, camera's are expensive and I don't quite have the money I need to buy one. So, I want to remind y'all that ALL of my pictures are for sale! Just email me with what picture you would like, the size, and your address and the picture will be on it's way. 5x7-$15. 8x10-$20. Thanks!

Here's a link to my photos:  Outcast Photography