A Lack of Faith

Well here I am.  I can hardly believe that it has almost been a year since I was told that I had a tumor on my kidney.  My thoughts right now are all over the place.  I have a desire to write, but I have no idea how to organize my thoughts, so sorry if this is a confusing post.

This Tuesday, I go back to the oncologist for a check-up to see if I'm doing ok.  I am so scared.  This appointment has been consuming my thoughts.  I have been thinking of nothing else for the past couple of days.  I am worrying myself sick, literally.  And I sit here thinking that I am such a fool.  Last year, when the doctor told me I had cancer, I was composed and ready to take it head on.  I wasn't worried or scared, I was confident that my Jesus, the Great Healer would heal me.  I was sure of His will, His plan.  But now a year later, you think I would have learned that God is all He says He is.  However, I have no trust right now, I'm lacking faith.  I have always blamed my dad for my trust problems, but I've been playing the blame game for far too long.  It's really time for me to take responsibility and admit that I don't have enough faith, that I am still holding out on God, that I do not fully trust Him.  I'm scare that a God who said He would be there always, from the beginning to the end, will leave me.  That's asinine, really.  I'm afraid that a God who has been there for everyone, no matter how many times they turned their back on Him, will eventually turn His back on me.  I have back-peddled from where I was a year ago.  How could I let this happen?  Maybe thats a rhetorical question.  Honestly, I have been focusing on myself, not on who really matters, not on my Jesus.  I don't know when I will fully trust God.  I hope and pray that it's soon.  I long for the day when I will be able to truthfully cry out to Him telling Him that I am all His, completely enveloped in Him and His plan.  However, I'm still hanging on, still trying to hold on for some control.  Maybe at my appointment on Tuesday I won't hear the words that I am okay, and maybe that will be the beginning of a lesson on how I'm not in control at all, but how my life is only a glimpse of a big picture, just an scene in a movie, just a stroke on the canvas.  Or, maybe I will learn it a different way.  One thing I know for sure, is that I am a piece of work that God will continue with until the day of completion.

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