Unanswered Questions.

Questions.  We all have them and we all want them answered.  But what if they don't have a definite black and white answer?  What if we're searching and we come up empty?  Right now my life is moving quickly, and I can't slow it down.  I want so badly to stop everything, if just for an hour or a day, so that I might be able to catch up.  I feel like I'm being thrown into my future and I'm not ready for that.  I'm 19 years old and I'm tired of having to have all of the answers.  I'm tired of being asked questions and asking them myself.  A teacher asked me today where I wanted to be in 5 years, and though I adore her, I just wanted to laugh in her face and walk away.  But instead I sweetly replied, I want to be living in Colorado and owning my own coffee shop. And while this is a dream of mine, I don't know if I actually want to make it a reality.  Because the truth is, when you wake up from the dream, reality is never as good.  It's filled with deadlines and expectations.  It's filled with disorders and depression.  It's filled with the never-ending 9 to 5 workweek.  And I don't know if that's really what I want.  I was watching One Tree Hill(I know I watch it a lot), and one of the characters said something that I whole-heartedly agree with.  He said:

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

It is so true.  I want to go back to being a care-free kid.  I want to run around my yard playing tag, laughing and screaming, where my only care in the world was if I would get tagged or not.  I want to go back to playing barbie dolls, where I had control over the whole situation.  I want to go back to spending hours on my grandparents farm making up game after game.  I'm sick of this weight on my shoulders.  I feel like I have to bear everything, and I don't want to anymore.  I don't want to worry if my parents are doing "okay."  I don't want to have to worry about wether or not my mom is alright.  I don't want to have to worry about wether or not my little sister is struggling with the things I was when I was her age.  I don't want to have to worry about our house not selling or about where the money to pay for things is going to come from.  I don't want to have to worry.  I'm sick and tired of worrying.  And I'm sick and tired of asking questions and trying to provide answers for everyone else.  I don't know the answers and quite frankly, I don't know that I ever will.  I just want my childhood back.  It's funny how when we were kids and even now, we always look to the future.  We always talk about how we couldn't wait to grow up, because that's when life really starts, but nobody ever told you how hard it would be.  Nobody said anything about the worry and the depression and the eating disorders and the pressure and the expectations and the fear.  Nobody said anything.  They just sat there silently as we dreamed, not waking us up an bringing us back into reality.  Perhaps because they knew just how harsh and cruel reality was.  I just want to sit in my mom's arms and cry my eyes out.  I'm scared and I feel alone and I just want to know what God's will is for my life.  But I don't.  And so I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to move forward.  And though I'm stuck not knowing where to go, life keeps pushing and pulling, forcing me to blindly move forward.  But that's the thing, I'm blindly moving.  So, I'm falling and I'm failing.  I don't know where I'm going, I just know that I'm going.