Looking back to avoid the road ahead.

Today I found myself looking through pictures and into the lives of some people that I haven't talked to in a couple of years, people that I used to be really close to and could't imagine my life without them.  I began to wonder what my life would look like if I had continued to be friends with them. If I had followed my heart and not my head.  If I hadn't moved.  If I hadn't gone to a school so far away.  If I had called them or texted them more often.  My life would be so different.  As I look forward into the next semester, I find myself feeling scared.  I don't know what the future holds.  The people whom I looked to for everything two years ago aren't those people anymore, and I fear that might be the case for the people that I feel like I can't live without now.  I'm afraid that I will let them down, that I will disappoint them, that I will feel them getting "too" close and push them away, that I will burn bridges.  And so instead of focusing on the future, instead of allowing myself to open up to all of the possibilities that await me, I'm looking back.  I miss those days when I was a little girl that didn't care about what was happening in the next week or year or decade.  I miss not having a care in the world.  I miss being able to mess up and everything being okay because chocolate ice cream and my mom could fix everything.  That's not the case anymore.  And that scares me more than anything.  I'm sorry for the rant...I guess I'm just scared of disappointing those who I want nothing more, than to hear the words "I'm proud of you" from.