Fears are a funny thing.  They can be classified into so many different categories.  I found myself thinking about them last night when I was walking back to the dorm late at night.  I kept looking back over my shoulder, because I was fearful that someone was following me.  And that's when I realized how many fears I truly have.  I am terrified of the dark, and one of my biggest fears is that the power will go out.  I am afraid of the future and not knowing what is to come.  I am afraid of geting raped.  I am afraid that one day I will run away and not have the strength to come back.  I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing.  I am afraid that I will find a dead body.  I am afraid that I will be touched on the back of my knees.  :)

But my biggest fear is that I will never be good enough.  I wake up every morning, with the fear that I will go through the day and disappoint everyone.  I am so careful as to what I say and how I act, because I don't want to be rejected, and I am so fearful that the slightest wrong word or action wil send me in a downward spiral and I will be hated.  Every night that I go to bed, I lay there and think of all of the stuff that I did wrong or said wrong, and how maybe if I had just kept my mouth shut, that people would like me more.  Francis Chan, the author of Crazy Love writes about how being fearful is not trusting that God has everything in control.  And maybe the core problem is that I don't know how to trust, to trust friends, to trust family, to trust God.  I pray that this fear of not being good enough isn't a problem that I have to deal with everyday, but at this point in time it still is.  Maybe one day I will be able to wake up and not feel bonded by my fears, but I will be able to go through my day, not being so conscious about everything that I am doing. Maybe one day I will no longer feel these chains around my wrists.  Maybe, one day.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Kenna, this breaks my heart! You are listening to Satan's lies when you think you are never good enough. Such a problem for women!! What would happen if everyone hated you? Do you realize you would still have more love than you ever had before because your Father loves you so very much? You are beautiful. You are talented in so many areas. You have such a wonderful heart. You are strong and courageous. You can do anything you desire to do as long as it is in God's will. Trust is a difficult thing especially when you come from a family where trust has been broken. For that I am truly sorry and pray for God to use it to draw you to Him and to help others. My prayer will also be that you would see yourself through His eyes and not through satan's lies. I see you in SUCH a different light than you see yourself! I love you and am so very proud of you!