Selfless Surrender

I can't do it.  This is what I realized tonight as I sat in the pew with many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ surrounding me.  Everyone was crying as they realized once again the power of Good Friday, maybe it was the amount of disgusting sin they had commited over the last year, maybe it was the fact that Jesus died a brutal death so that they could drive thier luxury vehicle and live in thier $500,000 house, or maybe they finally realized that it was time to fully surrender and they were in the midst of doing just that.  But as I sat there with tears rolling softly down my cheeks, I realized that I couldn't and can't surrender everything, not all of it.  I'm fine giving Christ parts of my life, but there are still things that I know I'm not ready to give up.  Because giving them up means losing control of them, of everything.  It means that I will no longer be able to hide behind them.  It means that all of the stupid, disgusting, embarrassing things that I've done will be out on the table.  As quickly as the realization came to me, so did the nausea.  I wanted to bolt out of that church into the cool fresh air...or maybe the bathroom.  Either way, I did not want to get sick in front of everyone.  I don't know exactly what it was that made me sick, but I didn't like it.  It could have been the fact that I have been living my life half-heartedly.  It could have been the fact that I had no idea what to do after realizing that I haven't completely surrendered.  I could have been the fact that I don't know how to completely surrender.  Or perhaps it's the fact that even though I say that someday I want to fully surrender, there is that thought in the back of my head that says I won't.  Or maybe it's the fact that I'm afraid that I never will truly, fully surrender.  I don't know, but I felt so sick.  And as I was sitting there, wanting to be anywhere, but in that church, I realized that surrender doesn't happen once.  It happens every morning when I wake up.  It happens every time I want to do something I know is wrong, but instead I say no.  It happens every single minute of my life.  I will always be continually surrendering.  Even then, I know that I haven't surrendered everything.  I might be surrendering constantly, but I'm not surrendering all.  Maybe one day, I will.  And I am sure that will be a beautiful day.


Some song lyrics on my mind:

"I wanna yearn for You."

"Lead me to the cross, bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.  Rid my of myself I belong to You."